#672
Let's see if I can recap this...
Date: 09/25/2001
From: A_Judas_Rimmer
Mickey keeps writing replies where he gets beaten up, grandmapa stumbled in drunk, Lord Kakhi Figgypudding is now posessing a ceramic cow, and Lita and I are TV show junkies. Sounds about right.
Rimmi: UH OH!!! A big surprise is coming this season on Angel! I'm not sure if I like it. <shuts off TV to tease Lita 'cause she can't see it yet.>
Lita: You're mean!
Rim: I know. So now that I've put the voodoo doll fire out I wonder how PhairyMolebius is holding up.....
#673
Back at the MST Gardens
Date: 09/25/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
(Ortega has been busy fixing the place up as it took a lot of damage from the once nearby MSTBlanca)
Ortega: Errrrrnnn! (waves)
Mickey: Hey, Teggy. Where do I keep the asprin?
Oretga: (points): errnnn.
Mickey: Thanks. Hey, I had a box sent over here the other day while I was at Lita's place. You know where it is?
Ortega: (points again, this time to his stomach) Errrnnnn-errrnnn.
Mickey: TEGGY!!! There was an anteater heart in that box! You know what's going to happen now?
Ortega: Well, it was a few days ago, and I'm still here. Why, do they blow up or something?
Mickey: Ortega! You can talk!
Ortega: Errrrnnnn.
Mickey: Hey, what happened?
Ortega: I've always been able to talk, it's only just when I have something to say. It's just when you were childlishly trying to understand my grunts, amazingly, you got some of them right. You're not as dumb as you (anteater heart inside Ortega blows up)
Mickey: PM has indirectly killed both my sidekicks. One, I can let go, but two? Oh, that's it. Yeah, sure technically, this is Evil Mike's fault, and Teggy can take some blame as well, but (picks up phone).
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Despite popular opinion, doesn't like getting beaten up.
#674
[Meanwhile, at the freshly rebuilt...
Date: 09/25/2001
From: PharaohMobius
...MSTBlanca, PM sits at the bar, nursing a Prince of the Powers of the Air and talking on the phone. Rick is restocking the booze reserves, and Sam sits at the piano, playing a quiet, mellow version of "Magic Carpet Ride." Buffalo keeps dropping quarters into the "Love Tester", but he can't get the thing to register higher than "cold fish". A group of shocktroopers stand guard around a large, glass tank in PM's office, where a shadowy figure hangs in suspension. Nabut is fiddling with some machinery near the tank.]
[PM] ...yeah, Doctor Voodoun, I guess you *would* know about it, since you're the expert on that sort of thing. Yep, they made a voodoo doll of me and set it on fire. Let me tell you, I went through about a case of Solarcaine in two minutes. OUCH! And then I couldn't breathe! They're really taking this revenge thing way too seriously!!!
[Nabut comes up and taps PM on the shoulder.] My liege, I've finished callibrating the consistency of the Gumby clay. MSTBlanca and everything clay in it should now have the consistency of diamond. Oh, and your vital signs remain strong. You should make a full recovery in no time.
[PM puts his hand over the receiver.] Thanks, Nabut. [To Voodoun] Oh, that was just Nabut. He was just telling me that my body should be fully healed any time now. Can't happen soon enough for me; this android may look like me, but it sure doesn't feel right. Yeah, I guess you're right. I *should* wait until the doll is disabled before I switch back; at least, I'm not feeling pain this way.
[PM laughs.] No, thanks but no thanks, old friend. I've got my own ideas for revenge, and it doesn't involve that mystical mumbo-jumbo that you admittedly do so well. It ought to be happening any tim--
[A shocktrooper walks up to PM and salutes in the traditional Egyptian manner.] Sir! Target has been hit with the assigned equipment, sir!
[PM, to shocktrooper.] Did you get visual confirmation? I don't want to have attacked the wrong house.
[Shocktrooper] Sir! No sir! We have filmed footage of targets Rimmer, Evil Mike, and Carmelita9000 being affected by the weapon, sir!
[PM] Very good. Dismissed. [to Voodoun] It looks like my plan has been completed. Oh no, nothing too drastic. I just had my loyal shocktroopers bombard the house with a device that turns any and all undergarments into Ben Gay. Talk about a hotseat! MUUUUAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
[Buffalo walks up to PM and gestures toward the love tester.] Dang thang et mah quarter!
[PM] Go talk to Rick. He has the key...
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
ready and waiting for the counterstrike
Sarcophagus still has grandmapa in it!
#675
(15 minutes later)
Date: 09/25/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
(the doorbell at MST Blanca rings)
Nabut: I'll get it (opens door, noones there)
Nabut: Huh (closes door)
(doorbell rings again)
(Nabut opens door again; no ones there, closes it))
(doorbell rings again)
Nabut: Now cut that out, no ones there!!!
(doorbell rings again and again and again; Nabut finally opens the door)
PM: (from other room) Anyone there this time?
Nabut: No! (starts to close door; but then notices something) There's a paper bag, though, and it's on fire! (starts stamping it out, and well, you know the rest)
Mickey: (watching the fun from the comfort of the nearby MSST gardens) Ok, stupid, I'll admit, but still pretty damn fun. Oh, here comes that pizza that I, er, PM ordered. All 500 of them.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Still loves the classics
#676
[SFX: a doorbell rings at MST Gardens.]
Date: 09/25/2001
From: PharaohMobius
[Mickey runs to the door, only to find that Ortega is accepting another order of a dozen pizzas.]
[Mickey] Dangit Ortega, that's what, 50 pizzas you've charged to my credit card!
[Ortega] Errrrn!
[Mickey] And to think that I was sort of relieved that the explosion in your stomach didn't kill you.
[Ortega] Well, you'd be constantly hungry, too, if you had a gaping hole in your stomach! [Takes another bite of pizza, chews it, and swallows. After a minute, another mushy dough-ball falls out of Ortega's stomach-hole, joining the rapidly-growing pile of them.] Errrrn!!!
[Mickey] That's SICK! Is *that* why you're ordering all these freakin' pizzas? Couldn't you at least tape it shut, or something?
[Ortega] But I didn't order any pizzas! I thought you did!
[Mickey] What th-- [A look of horror crosses his face.] He DIDN'T!
[Mickey runs out the front of MST Gardens, to see that a hologram projector has been set up to make it look like MSTBlanca.]
[Mickey] Foiled by my own lame gag! DAMN YOU, MOBIUS!!!
[Nabut steps out from behind a potted palm.] Actually, I did this. Call it evening the score, Mickey.
[Mickey] But WHY?!?
[Nabut] Is your long-term memory that bad? You got me with the flaming bag of dog-poo. And if I may say so, putting out flaming dog-poo in sandals SUCKS!
[Ortega exits MST Gardens.] Say, do you have anything for a really gross stomach hole?
TmPM
Sarcophagus!
#677
Heh heh heh...
Date: 09/25/2001
From: A_Judas_Rimmer
Rim: I think we ought to teach PM a lesson by making him go insane. That way if he were so devious as to put his mind in an android or something his mind would still be affected. <Rimmi takes a voodoo pin and sticks it in the dolls charred head.> This will make him crazy for a little while but we need to come up with something else before he get's wise to us.
~~Meanwhile......
<PM starts to hallucinate about Joe Estavez trying to kiss him while Clint Eastwood is walking on the ceiling talking about Quakers.>
A_Judas_Rimmer
Stealer of taglines
Wrestler of Racoons
President of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fan Club
Wacky Race Racer
Doesn't wear undergarments in case someone tried to turn them into Bengay
Sartorial!
#678
<knock at the door of MSTblancs>
Date: 09/25/2001
From: thedeadoutkast
<Nabut peeks his head out>
NABUT: OKAY! Whoever this is better stop it!
<looks down to find a blue-haired doll.>
Nabut: well isnt that cute!
DOLL: Pick me up and have some fun!
You have a smile when your done!
<nabut picks up doll>
Nabut: I will name you edwardo!
Doll: I got a friendly riddle for you!
What can blow a man in two?
Nabut: uhhh...
DOLL: A REMOTE BOMB FROM TDO BUCKOO!!!!!
<DOLL explodes and knocks Nabut out>
I feeling better today and thought i'd cause some mischeif!
TDO
Likes coffee
and puddin' too
(I DONT MEAN THAT!)
#679
Lita: Oh, great revenge, PM!
Date: 09/25/2001
From: Carmelita9000
<Lita is shifting uncomfortably in her chair>
Lita: Rimmer wasn't wearing any undies, and it just turned Evil Mike on!
<Lita looks over at Evil Mike who is sitting on the couch looking very pleased with himself>
Lita: I'm the only one who was really affected!
Rimmer: Lita, who are you talking to? He can't hear you.
Lita: Well... I thought maybe the voodoo doll might... Ugh. And it didn't even do anything to grandmapa. And he's the one that set the doll on fire anyway! I wasn't planning anything half as unpleasant as that!
Rimmer: What did you have in mind?
Lita: Oh, you know, laughing at it and calling it names so that PM develops a low sense of self worth. Or maybe giving it helium to inhale so that PM would talk funny when he has to do any public speaking. Or tickling a whole bunch and not stopping. People hate being tickled.
EM: Lita, you really need some lessons in revenge.
Rimmer: Lita, you really need to quit squirming like that. It's disturbing. For goodness sakes, go take a shower!
Lita: Yeah... I think that's a good idea.
<Lita leaves to shower. Loud banging emanates from the sarcophagus.>
Rimmer: Oh, sorry grandmapa! We forgot about you! I suppose you must be sober by now!
Cow: I daresay, the chap has probably thrown up all over himself. It's sure to be downright mooooooiserable in there.
EM: Too bad we had to use that one lock to keep the sarcophagus closed.
Rimmer: Yep.
EM: The one we lost the key to.
Rimmer: Damn shame.
EM: I guess he'll just have to stay in there until we find the key.
Rimmer: Yep.
<Everybody starts laughing except for grandmapa, who just bangs on the inside of the sarcophagus some more.>
EM: You know, I think I saw that Nabut guy wander off with that key. I guess I should have mentioned that before we used that padlock, eh?
<More laughter, this time louder. It's just like the end of a sitcom!>
Ghost: Hey, kid...
gramps: What?
Ghost: Knock knock.
gramps: Who's there?
Ghost: Boo.
gramps: Boo who?
Ghost: BOO!
gramps: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Ghost: Ha! I never get tired of that!
Lita
I finally get to watch Angel tonight!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Does a sarcophagus even have a place for a lock?
No, stop. Don't think to hard about that...
#680
Here Ortega...
Date: 09/25/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
(places bucket under his stomach.)
Ortega: Well, so much for revenge on PM, right?
Mickey: What revenge? You're still alive, kind of (under his breath) unfortunatly. (normal voice) But, these pizza's suck.
Ortega: Well, next time, don't call Rowsdower's.
Mickey: Well, they were supposed to be his. Damn holograms or whatever. First minute, they save my life, now they've put $5000 on my credit card.
Ortega: Well, that's what you get for being lame.
Mickey: There classics for a reason, Teggy. If Mrs. PM ever goes there, I'm sneaking in and saran wrapping the toilet seat.
Ortega: Well, what about that stuff...
Mickey: Quiet, Teggy. There's probably spies around here.
Ortega: Well, that most certainly would suck. Errrnnnn! Anchovie and pineapple!!!
Mickey: I'm going to look for spies now. (runs out of room, and into the bathroom)
Ortega: The spies are in the bathroom???
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time?Space Expert
Lame, lame, lame
#681
Time?Space Expert at it again!
Date: 09/25/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
(a TDO from another dimension or Earth 2 or something flies by in yet another magical time plane and now Ortega re-enters MST Gardens before Mickey gives him the bucket)
There, you happy now?
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
There's a greenhouse/office at the MST Gardens, so yes, there would be a doorbell, table, and bathroom...I guess.
#682
<Tork exits the bathroom...
Date: 09/26/2001
From: Tork_110
< He notices someone running by him and walks up to Ortega. Ortega is suddenly alert. >
Tork: Ortega, I'm tired of your boss's place. The bathroom is filthy, the tomatoes are rotten, and none of the flowers compare to Lita's beauty. <mumbles> ( Stupid EM try to kill me just when I was beginning to know her. He was probably jealous. Yeah, jealousy. That's the ticket. Sure, I was being a jerk, but after she took the tape and after I looked into her eyes for .69 seconds...
Ortega: I'm sorry, sir. Do you want a free balloon?
Tork: Do I ever! I'd ... Hey, since when can you ta...
< Ortega tosses acid in Tork's face.>
Tork: Ow!! IT BURNS! My face is melting! ... Hey, do I smell pizza?
< Tork collapses on the floor. >
#683
Who's that on the floor?
Date: 09/26/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
Ortega: It's a spy, boss. Proud of me?
Mickey: (Picks "spy" off the floor) This isn't a spy! This is Tork! At least, I don't think he's a spy...Ortega, how many times have I told you, "Don't attack the visitors?" , especially the first one.
(Mickey starts slapping Tork)
Tork: (gains conciousness)Aaahhh!!! It burns! It burns!!!
Mickey: Huh? Why would Tork think my Sprite is burning him? By the way, Teggy, get me a refill. I'm sorry, Tork, if there's anything I can do...
Tork: I'm getting out of this crazy place...(leaves)
(Ortega returns with Mickey's soda)
Mickey: Well Teggy, thanks to you, we lost our first potential customer. And plant some more tomatoes. And tape pictures of Lita on to the flowers.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Hasn't gotten beaten up in three consecutive posts!!!
#684
[Mrs. Mobius enters MSTBlanca...]
Date: 09/26/2001
From: Mrs_Mobius
[...stepping over the unconscious form of Nabut. She looks around the place, then walks up to the bar.]
[Mrs. Mo] How's it going, Rick? I see you've got the place back in shape again.
[Rick] Can't complain, Mrs. M. That Gumby clay is somethin' else, huh?
[Mrs. Mo] What happened to Nabut?
[Rick] He got knocked out by one of TDO's explosive dolls. He'll be all right, you don't have to worry about him.
[Mrs. Mo] I wasn't. Say Rick, can you mix me up a Babylon The Great: The Mother Of Prostitutes And Of The Abominations Of The Earth?
[Rick] Sure thing, Mrs. M. By the way, I was wondering something. What is it you and your husband have for drinks with long and vaguely menacing Biblical-sounding names?
[Mrs. Mo shrugs.] Well, they're strong enough to be worth the while, you know, stronger than that wussy so-called "hard liquoir"... I dunno, they just taste good, allright?
[Rick] No problem, just curious.
[Mrs. Mo] Where *is* Sutenhotep, anyway?
[Rick] Oh, he's around here somewhere. Seems the boss is having some kind of voodoo-influenced hallucinations. He ran around accusing them of being Joe Estevez earlier, and attacked anybody that got too close.
[Mrs. Mo] Why didn't he come after you?
[Rick] That's easy, Mrs. M: even when he's under the influence of mind-altering voodoo magic, he knows better than to abuse a bartender.
[Mrs. Mo] So he's been drinking?
[Rick] Like a fish, sweetheart. It seems to be helping a little, so I haven't refused his orders.
[Mrs. Mo] Sounds like I'd better go find him. [She hands Rick a fiver.] Go buy something nice for the little lady at home, Rick.
[Rick] You know I'm not married, doll-face.
[Mrs. Mo] I was talking about your mom.
[Rick chuckles.] You're a cruel, cruel woman, Mrs. M.
[Mrs. Mobius goes to the back office to find PM hunched over in the corner and rambling madly to Sam and Buffalo, who are tied up. They look terrified.]
[PM] So, Joe Estevez and Joe Estevez: You thought you could seduce me to your evil ways, did you? You thought you could kiss me and give me your evil space cooties, turning me into another Joe Estevez! But I'm on to you! Oh, yes I am! I'm gonna sit right here and wait for the other 664 Joe Estevezes to show up, and then I'll eliminate you once and for all!
[Mrs. Mo] Honey, are you OK?
[PM] Joe Estevez!!!1!! I knew you were coming! You couldn't stay away, could you? You want to turn me into another Joe Estevez so you can steal my magical sarcophagus! Can't you see that that sarcphagus is my best friend? I've had it since I was a child! Why won't you leave me alone?!? [He clutches a very un-sarcophagus-like bar of soap to his chest.]
[Mrs. Mo] Dearest, you're talking crazy talk...
[PM, oblivious to Mrs. Mobius] Oh, my beloved sarcophagus! How I love your chewy caramel, your crunchy peanuts, your rich, Columbian aroma!
[Mrs. Mo, waves a hand in front of PM's face. He doesn't seem to notice.] Errr... Sutenhotep?
[PM takes a great big bite out of the bar of soap. He chews with a look of sheer bliss on his face, and swallows.] Mmmmm! And I love your delicious, chocolatey covering! [Takes another big bite, chews, and swallows.] Mmmmmmm!!! We're not hitchhiking anymore, old friend! We're RIDING!!!
[Mrs. Mo] Stop it, Sutenhotep, you're scaring me!
[PM notices Mrs. Mo] YOU!!! You... Joe Estevez! You Soultaker, you!!! You tried to trick me!
[Mrs. Mo reaches out a hand to PM.] Honey, calm down...
[PM whips out a cordless shaver.] STAY BACK, MAN! DON'T MAKE ME USE THIS!
[Mrs. Mo] That's enough, Sutenhotep.
[PM] THAT'S IT!!! YOU MADE ME USE IT!!! WHY'D YOU MAKE ME USE IT?!?!? [PM begins to shave. In minutes, his five-o-clock shadow is entirely gone.]
[Mrs. Mobius slaps PM hard.] SUTENHOTEP QUIGLEY ORVILLE EUSTACE MOBIUS, I SAID KNOCK IT OFF!!!!!
[PM's eyes clear slightly.] Nefertiti, dear! What are you doing here?
[Mrs. Mo] Who did this to you?
[PM] Rrr-rrr-Rimmer aa-and Lll-llita!!!
[Mrs. Mo] Come with me, Sutenhotep. We're putting an end to this nonsense once and for all!
The Queen Mother Bitch Mrs. Mobius
With a nod to Ren and Stimpy
Sisters are doin' it for themselves!
#685
<Lita is walking down the street.>
Date: 09/26/2001
From: Carmelita9000
<She passes MSTGardens, where Ortega is obsessing over some tomatoes, and is taping pictures of her to the flowers. Lita thinks of saying something, but then sees the gaping hole in his stomach, and thinks better of it. Ortega obviously has enough problems. Lita calls the nurse instead (you remember! The nurse?), who promises to come by with a roll of duct tape. Lita continues on, until she reaches the entrance to MSTBlanca. She opens the door, and goes inside. She pulls up a barstool, and has a seat.>
Lita: Bartender, pour me a drink!
<Nobody moves. They all just look at Lita.>
Lita: What? Is my shirt on backwards or something? Why are you all looking at me?
PM: Lita, what are you doing here?
Lita: I'm ordering a drink! Duh! Nice robot body, by the way. I wouldn't even have noticed, if it weren't for the telltale monotone, evenly spaced syllable, kinda buzzy robot voice. Now where's that drink? C'mon Rick! Get me some tequila!
MrsMo: How did you get past the guards?
Lita: What guards?
<PM waves his hand around the room. For the first time, Lita notices the hordes of shocktroopers, standing at attention all over the place.>
Lita: Oh! Those guards! Hey, what are they guarding? Wow, PM! Is that your real body?
PM: Er… yes.
Lita: Hey, PM, it's nekkid!
PM: It's recovering from all those burns *you* gave it.
Lita: I didn't do it! That was grandmapa! Anyway, couldn't you put some boxer shorts or something on your body before putting it in there?
PM: No. It's not in there to be a fashion model. It's there for medical treatment.
Lita: But it's still wearing that dumb hat…
PM: I don't want to talk about it anymore! You shouldn't even be here!
MrsMo: Stop looking at it.
Lita: You could have at least taped a piece of cardboard to the outside… you know?
Rick: We tried that. But the tape wouldn't stick to the suspension chamber. Probably too much condensation, or magnetic fields, or something. I'm not the technology expert around here. Here's your drink.
Lita: Thanks!
PM: Shouldn't you be back at your place plotting against me, or something?
Lita: Yeah, I would have been. But Evil Mike said I'm bad at revenge. And then Rimmer suggested I take a walk so that she and Evil Mike could have some time alone to come up with an even better plan. They also asked me to take Queen Tinkeywinkey out for some air. Suddenly, I decided I really wanted a drink. <Lita gulps down the shot of tequila> Gimmie another.
Rick: You said you brought that other guy with you? I don't see him.
Lita: Oh, yeah! I almost forgot!
<Lita opens up her purse and pulls out a ceramic cow, and sets it on the bar. It starts wandering around, mooing angrily.>
cow: You left me in there for far too long! You have no idea how uncomfortable it can be inside a lady's purse!
Rick: He's a tiny cow now?
Lita: Yep! Isn't he just the cutest little thing? Poor guy, though. I don't care what Rimmer says, we *don't* do voodoo very well. Every one of our voodoo thingies has backfired in some way. Shoosh, Lord Figgypudding! Quit whining!
<Lita stuffs the cow back into her purse and closes it.>
Lita: Oh, I just remembered, I also wanted to get that key back from Nabut. We can't get grandmapa out of that sarcophagus without it.
MrsMo: Who?
Lita: grandmapa. You know, that really old kid?
MrsMo: Oh. Right.
<Nobody seems too inclined to give Lita any keys.>
Lita: Ok. Fine. Leave him in there if you want. See if I care.
<She continues her drinking, completely unconcerned by all the angry glares she's getting.>
#686
Mickey walks into the MSTBlanca
Date: 09/26/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
Mickey: Hey! Can I get drunk?
PM: Wouldn't you rather have more pizza?
(Mickey mumbles something and then walks up to the bar)
Lita: Speaking of bad revenge-takers, as we were. Hi, Mickey!
Mickey: Yeah, well, how's your underthings? Hey, where's the bathroom, cheif?
Rick: Down there, to the right.
Mickey: Thanks. Hey, (pays Rick for drink), keep the change. (leaves, whistling, somethings tucked under his arm)
Rick: Hey, Mickey! That's the ladies room! Mickey! Nevermind.
(Mickey comes out of the bathroom and takes his drink) Bye now. Hey, Lita, a tip. If you need to go, I really suggest going over to the MST Gardens.
Lita: Why?
Mickey: I, um, I'm...trying to steal PM's customers, that's all. Yeah, that's it.
Lita: Than start selling booze.
Mickey: Sure. Just remember, it's very important. (Mickey leaves)
Lita: What's with him? Why isn't he scared of me anymore? And why is Ortega taping pictures of me to the flowers?
PM: Shutup and finish your drink.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Has lost his appetite for pizza
#687
Speaking of underthings...
Date: 09/26/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Thanks to Sparrow Spobius, I no longer have any. They all changed! You should have heard me yell when I opened up my underwear drawer and there was just a little potpourri sachet floating in a whole bunch of Ben Gay! Just thought you'd all want to know.
<Lita smiles brightly>
Hey, you know, you all need to stop grinding your teeth so much. Good dental work is expensive these days!
Lita
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
gets this way when she senses danger
#688
[PM grins a lecherous grin.]
Date: 09/26/2001
From: PharaohMobius
[Mrs. Mobius looks over at him, scowls, and smacks him again.]
[PM] OW!!! What'd you do that for?
[Mrs. Mobius] I know why you were grinning like that, mister. Don't forget, I can read your every thought.
[PM sits back and tries to hide a wry smile.]
[Mrs. Mobius] And no, that stupid telepathy blocker you implanted in yourself doesn't work on me.
[PM slaps his forehead.] D'oh!
[Mrs. Mobius] Now apologize to Lita.
[PM] What? Oh, all right. Sheesh, you never let me have any fun.
[Mrs. Mobius scowls at PM yet again, and draws back her hand.]
[PM] --without you, dear! I mean you never let me have any fun without you!
[Mrs. Mobius lets out a satisfied "Hmmmph!"]
[PM] Lita, I'm sorry I leered when I thought about you not wearing underwear.
[Lita slaps PM.] Apology accepted!
[Mrs. Mobius] Serves you right! Now go hide your shame!
[PM] Okay, okay. [He pulls out a little remote control and fiddles with the buttons for a minute, and the glass of the vat becomes opaque.]
[Mrs. Mobius slaps PM yet again.] You mean you could have done that the whole time?!?
[PM] Yeah, but I wouldn't have been able to see how my healing was progressing.
[Mrs. Mobius] That's what you have Medi-computers for! Men, I swear!
[Lita] Amen, sister.
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
no more lumps for me, thanks!
Sarcophagus!
#689
Lita: Well, I guess I'd better be going.
Date: 09/26/2001
From: Carmelita9000
PM: You're leaving?
Lita: Yep. I've been here all day, you know. I'm sure Evil Mike and Rimmer have had plenty of time to work out our new revenge tactics.
Sam: *laughs* Yeah, I'll bet! Unless they were just screwing around all day!
<There is a long awkward silence. Lita gives Sam a truly frightening glare. If looks could kill, his head would probably have exploded. As it is, there is a definite danger that he will catch fire. There almost seems to be smoke coming out of his ears.>
Sam: No! I'm sorry! I didn't mean that kind of screwing around! I meant like goofing off! You know?
<Sam, wisely, turns himself invisible, then runs away in a weenie kind of fashion which I'm sure would be very entertaining to see, if we could see him.>
Lita: Anyway... As I was saying, I'd better get back home and find out what the plan is.
PM: Do you expect it to be good?
Lita: Oh yeah! Whatever it is, it'll be a doozie! You'll be so pissed-off when you find out what it is! You'll really regret the day you called me fat!
Mrs.Mo: You called this young lady fat?
PM: No! I didn't! You see...
Lita: Oh, yes he did! And he called my buddy Rimmer a slut!
Mrs.Mo: Is that a fact?
PM: No! It was a fictional representation of what might have happened if...
Mrs.Mo: I can't believe that at your age you still haven't learned how to behave toward women!
PM: No! Listen to me! I--
<Pharaoh and Mrs. Mobius continue to argue. While they are distracted, Lita picks up the bottle of tequila that is sitting on the bar. She pours the remaining tequila out onto the floor, and then breaks the bottle off on the edge of the bar.>
Lita: <To Rick, who looks slightly concerned> Oh, this is just in case Sam was right about Rimmer and Evil Mike. You know how it is.
<Lita gets up, clutching the broken bottle, and heads for the entrance. Just as she reaches the door, Nabut stands in her way.>
Lita: Oh! You're alive, are you? Good for you! Now kindly step aside, I have places to be.
Nabut: Oh yes. You need to leave here so that you can go plot against my master, is that it?
Lita: Exactly! Now will you please move?
Nabut: No.
<Lita looks at Nabut. Nabut looks at Lita. He doesn't move, nor does he seem to intend to.>
Cow: <from inside Lita's purse.> I can't believe you're so stupid! How did you ever survive as long as you have? I would have thought Natural Selection would have weeded you out long ago!
Lita: Shut up, Hinkeydoodle! I can handle this! The last thing I need right now is to be harassed by an emotionally abusive cow!
<Lita looks back up at Nabut.>
Lita: So, you're sure you won't move?
Nabut: I'm sure.
Lita: You won't take a bribe?
Nabut: <Glances over to where PM and his wife are still bickering, then back at Lita.> No. I won't.
Lita: What if I overpowered you with this broken bottle?
<Nabut flexes his powerful pectoral muscles meaningfully. Clearly Lita is no match for him physically.>
Lita: Gee, Nabut. Have I ever mentioned how incredibly attractive you are?
Nabut: If you think that kind of plan is going to work again, you're crazy.
<The cow in Lita's purse gives a derisive moo.>
Lita: <crestfallen> Aw... poopie.
Lita
is surprisingly sensitive
to ridicule from livestock
#690
<TDO walks into the MSTblanca with his
Date: 09/26/2001
From: thedeadoutkast
band of victorian era robots armed with muskets>
TDO: WOW! This place sucks!
<everyone in the place begins to talk amongst themselves>
TDO: You know what? When i become supreme ruler and dictator, places like this will be condemed and bulldozed!
<PM comes up from behind the bar>
PM: First off, how'd you get past the guards?
TDO: Are you kidding? I once destroyed the fabric of time and space. I gave em a koosh ball and they were instantly distracted.
PM: Then why are you saying those things about the bar?
TDO: Dont worry. Im doing you a favor!
PM: by destroying my bar?! AGAIN!!??
TDO: You dont get it. you see, through secret polls and mind readers, i have discovered that i am the most hated figure in this whole board. Hence, whenever i say someting bad about something, people will rally against my opinion.
PM: So?!
TDO: SO if i say that i hate your bar and want to destroy it, people will love your bar and want to defend it. Hence, giving your business a needed shot in the arm!
PM: well... why me?
TDO: I need to get someone on my side. from the looks of it, everyone hates me. and besides, this can only be good for you. look, already people are getting behind you.
Ortega: We love this bar! Mobius is a god!
Lita: You have no right! We love PM!
TDO: So, my work is done! TA!
TDO
back from the ashes
still one CMF
For some reason, dosen't work on hats
#691
I don't know.
Date: 09/27/2001
From: Carmelita9000
I don't see why TDO's opinion of anybody should change my opinion of anybody else.
TDO, I don't think you're the most hated person on the bboard yet, but it's clear you're working hard to become so. I don't know why you would want to achieve this goal, maybe you just want the title? Chumming up to other people isn't going to help you out, and it's not going to make people feel sorry for you. You scare the hell out of me. I don't like being scared, so I choose to pretend you're not there.
<Lita closes her eyes, puts her hands over her ears, and starts humming>
#692
Whoops! Guess TDO forgot about
Date: 09/27/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
the big ass sombrero that Lita wore into the MST Blanca. What sombrero, you ask? The one I gave her to repay for her window. It happened outside of the post, so don't go looking for it.
Oh, and Ortega's always wearing a hat, so I guess that wouldn't work, either.
Now, everybody else in the MST Blanca liked the place and PM, anyway, so I guess it really doesn't matter.
You really screwed yourself when you said that thing about the hats, TDO, sorry.
And you can't have the "Most Hated on the Bboard" title until I die.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Wow, that one was harder to figure out than the Mario Warp Zone thing to fix the Wacky Race.
#693
(Nabut yells to PM)
Date: 09/27/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
Nabut: Is this clown bothering you?
TDO: Clown?
PM: You idiot! You just let Lita escape!
(This is true. Nabut looks behind him, only to see nothing but a streaking sombrero)
Ortega: Well, guys, Mrs. Mo-whozit, it's been real, real stupid, but I gotta have a cigar. I'm so sick of this "No Smoking in Bars" rule. Who's the winner who came up with that one?
PM: T%DO, you and your gay robots need to get out of here. You're bad for buisness, and everybody wears hats nowadays.
TDO: They're not gay, they're Victorian! Well actually (looks at the robots) now that you mention it.
PM: Yes. Goodbye now, TDO. Don't make me ban you for life. You're not 21 yet, you don't want to ruin it.
TDO: Alright, fine, I'll go. But you haven't heard the last of TDO!!!
(Mickey shows up at the MSTBlanca and punches TDO again)
Mickey: Was that damn Ortega here? (sniffs) I guess so. (sees Ortega sneaking out the back door) Teggy, hurry back, the flowers aren't going to Lita-cize themselves.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
The #1 doctor recommended cure for writer's block.
#694
WOW! Only 306 posts until #1,000!!!
Date: 09/27/2001
From: A_Judas_Rimmer
Rimmi and Evil Mike enjoyed their short time alone.... DID THEY EVER!!!
<Lita walks in to find EM playing Blind Man's Bluff- in the BUFF! Rim was no where to be seen.>
Mike: Lita.... Lita.... Lita...... Come on Rim. You're supposed to say "is sticky and smelly" after I say "Lita."<Takes off blindfold.> Oh come on. I give up. <Hears teeth grinding behind him and realizes Lita is home.> Oh, hey Lita! I sure did miss you. Uh- I'm gonna make you a cup of tea while Rimmer comes back and uh- tells you her wonderful idea!
#695
<gramps is stuck in the sarcophagus...
Date: 09/27/2001
From: The_Gramp_Reaper
and thinking of a way to get out>
gramps: <thinking to himself> Seeing as I am a ghost during Halloween season, and seeing as it is Halloween season, at least at Wal-Mart, I am now a ghost! I can just walk through the sarcophagus! <now yelling> It is genius! Genius!
Ghost: Hey little kid! Knock, knock!
gramps: Hah-hah! I'm not falling for that anymore!
Ghost: Knock knock.
gramps: Who's there?
Ghost: BOO!!!!
gramps: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! <gramps rolls out of the sarcophagus and right in front of EM, Rimmer, and Lita>
Lita: <looking feverishly around the world> RIMMI!!! I swear, if you don’t get out here now, I’ll get Mike a vasectomy... <spots the translucent gramps> AHHHHHHHHHH!!! It’s the ghost of 5738!!! I knew gramps killed her... <passes out into her adorable Buffy the Vampire Slayer inflatable chair with beer cozy>
EM: No, it’s just The Gramps Reaper. Every Wal-Mart Halloween, he comes around striking fear into the hearts of those who... well, he really doesn’t do anything other than float, walk through walls, and threaten those “whipper-snappers” with a cardboard sickle. Why, though, does he still wear that dress in the afterlife?
gramps: That was surreal! <looks up> Ewww!!! Nekkid man germs!!! Put on a hand cloth, at least...
Rimmi: <peaks out from around the couch> Hey, is it safe yet? <looks at gramps, passes out into her adorable Angel inflatable chair with beer cozy>
magrandpa?
grandmapa!, sch.
The Elderly Gender-Bender!
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Riddler Club!
President of the I Hate Hamburglar Club!
6:12 P.M. CST!
#696
EM: Saaaaaaayyyy.....
Date: 09/27/2001
From: Carmelita9000
EM: Lookie here! I got two unconscious chicks, both within arms reach, and I'm already nude! I know what I'm gonna do. grandmapa, you might want to leave the room. I don't think you want to see this.
<Lita wakes up in a hurry>
Lita: Wha? Evil Mike! You'd better not have just now been planning to do what I think you were just now planning to do!
EM: Er... Whatever could you mean, Lita Dear? I was planning to bake you both some cookies! And buy you expensive presents! And give you manicures! And adopt you some adorable puppies! And stuff like that!
Lita: So you weren't planning to have your way with us while we were asleep?
EM: Well, sure, but that was just the short-term goal. And then long-term goal involved all that other stuff, to keep you both from getting pissed-off at me when you woke up.
Lita: <punches Evil Mike in the stomach> Put some pants on, you pervert. Boy, that widens my sombrero.
EM: ....Ugh... If I can find my pants...
<Evil Mike crawls out of the room, in search of his pants>
Rimmer: <faintly> check behind the fridge...
Lita: I don't even want to know. Hi, gramps! I see you're sober, and out of the sarcophagus! Congratulations! I hope you aren't planning to vandalize my house again!
gramps: You say that as if you never trashed my house...
Lita: I have no idea what you're talking about. Are you hungry? Would you like some nachos?
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
really likes nachos
and her new sombrero
but wasn't too thrilled
with the ending of the Angel premier.
#697
As the Bboard Turns...
Date: 09/27/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
(Meanwhile at the MST Gardens)
Nurse: Well, that should do it. It's industrial strength. It should hold for about two months. Call me then. You know there's a girl on all the flowers?
Mickey: No, I...wasn't aware. Teggy, you know about a girl on the flowers?
Ortega: Well, yeah, boss. You told me (Mickey punches Ortega) Errrrrnnnnnn! No, I haven't the faintest.
Nurse: Keep him away from next door. That alcohol certainlly made things a lot more interesting for me.
Mickey: It wasn't my fault he was there. I didn't write him in, I mean, I told him not to go there.
Nurse: Alright. (Takes cigar out of Ortega's mouth) And no more of these. Hey, is there a bathroom around here?
Mickey: Right ov...
Ortega: (interrupts) There's one over in the MST Blanca. Ask Rick. Don't mind the owner, he's busy beating up one of his henchman.
Mickey: Ortega! That isn't....oh right, and that unconcious guy on the floor who has the gay robots, just leave him there. He hasn't learned his lesson.
Nurse: Hey, thanks (leaves)
Ortega: That's what she gets for taking away my cigar.
Mickey: And for singing Mickey.
Ortega: AND FOR TAKING MY CIGAR!
Mickey: Oh right. Your cigar. It's all about you, isn't it?
(seconds later, a very loud scream is heard coming out of the MST Blanca)
Mickey: Intended for Mrs. Mo-mo, but I'd still say a job well done. Well, look after the place, Teggy. I'm going to Lita's house.
Ortega: Why?
Mickey: That's where the fun is, plus I heard she's got nachos.
Ortega: Think she'll let you in?
Mickey: Hey, I gave her a sombrero. In many lands, that's considered a gesture of friendship.
Ortega: What lands?
Mickey: Hey, look at the time. I gotta go.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Sombreros for everybody!!!
#698
<Mickey and Ortega...
Date: 09/28/2001
From: Carmelita9000
...show up at Lita's house. Rimmer, Evil Mike (now in pants), grandmapa, and Lord Kinsey Figgybottom the Cow are all sitting around the kitchen table, eating nachos. Lita is on the phone.>
Lita: Make sure you don't smile at it. And don't look into its eyes. No! I said DON'T look into its eyes!
Mickey: Hey, Lita, what's up?
Lita: Shhh! I'm on the phone with the nurse! Apparently there's a *gorilla* in the ladies room at MSTBlanca!
Mickey: Oh, is there? I wonder how that could have happened?
<Mickey and Ortega share a private laugh together.>
Lita: <back to the phone> How big is it? That big eh? I didn't know they made em that big. What? Her name is Betsy? How do you know that? Oh.... <To Mickey, Ortega, and everybody around the table> The gorilla is wearing a nametag. It says "Hi! My name is Betsy!" Weird, huh?
Mickey: Very strange.
Ortega: Eeerrrnnn... errrrrn.
Mickey: Shhhh!
Lita: Did he just say it wasn't so strange because he's the one who put the nametag on the gorilla?
Mickey: No, he didn't. Why would he say that?
Ortega: Errrnnn. Eeerrrrrrrrrnnnn.
Lita: Oh, Mickey. I'm surprised at you. I can't believe you would send an unarmed and thoroughly stupid woman to face Betsy all by herself. She saved your life!
Mickey: No she didn't! She was a horrible nurse! And Betsy was supposed to be in there for Mrs. Mobius anyway. I didn't know that the nurse would find her.
Ortega: Yes you did.
Lita: I need to talk the nurse out of the ladies room. Maybe if we're lucky, she won't decide to join up with PM…
Mickey: Seems to me like that's the best thing that could happen for us. Hey, nachos!
<Mickey reaches for a particularly cheesy tortilla chip. Lita slaps his hand.>
Lita: Keep out of the nachos. I'm mad at you.
Mickey: Again? Aw, shoot! And I gave you a sombrero and everything!
<Lita doesn't hear him, she's back on the phone.>
Lita: Try kind of crouching down and looking submissive. You know? Submissive? It means… Betsy's throwing *what* at you?!
Ortega: She's not mad at me. It's because we used to date.
Mickey: You did not! Quit telling people that!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
doesn't know as much about gorillas as she lets on
#699
Rimmer: Hey Mickey, isn't that...
Date: 09/28/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
the MST Gardens on tv?
Mickey: Hey, why it is. Hey, I didn't give the Angel people permission to film there.
Lita: This isn't Angel, as I've said many times before, "I Don't have a WB"
Rimmer: Looks like it's on fire again.
Mickey: What? See, Ortega? I told you to stay and watch the place.
Ortega: Hey, nachos. Time to test out my new stomach tape.
Lita: I'm betting it was the nurse, see Mickey?
(news reporter comes on tv)
news reporter: Hi, this is Joe Don Baker (burrp) with a special live report from the MST Gardens,
Mickey: What's he doing there? He's just going to eat everything if there's anything left. I retract my previous statement Ortega. THAT is why you should've stayed behind and watched the place.
JDB: It seems that moments ago, a big ass gorilla, apparantly tired of throwing her (whispers) throwing her what? Is that right? It can't be. You're fired. (normal voice) tired of chasing a young woman, has come to the MST Gardens in search of a banana.
Mickey: Bananas don't grow in New Hampshire.
Lita: I thought this story was taking place in California.
Mickey: Hey, quiet, the fat guy's back on.
JDB: Of course, bananas don't grow in New Hampshire. So, she started torching the place, including the juicy tomatos and the some 312 uneaten pizzas...WHY GOD WHY?
Ortega: My pizzas!
JDB: The only evidence left behind that this once was a beautiful garden is this. A single rose, which for some strange reason, has a girl's picture taped on it.
Lita: MICKEY!!!
Mickey: (laughs nervously)
JDB: Hey, here comes the gorilla now. Perhaps we can get a statement. Um, gorilla? Joe Don Baker, KTMA action news. Why did you do this?
Gorilla: Well, Joe, first off, I'd like to give a shout out to all my homies down in Africa...
JDB: Oh, yes. Might I say, that is a lovely Egyptian headdress?
Lita: That's not a gorilla, that's PM and his hologram thingie.
Mickey: Well, that would explain how the gorilla could talk, and how it could set fire to the MST Gardens without opposable thumbs.
Lita: Gorillas don't have opposable thumbs?
Mickey: I don't know, I'm just as clueless about the things as you are.
JDB: Well, Gorilla, thanks for your time. I'm Joe Don Baker, reminding you to remember me more for just Mitchell and Final Justice, bidding you a fond good night.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Where does a 500 lb. gorilla sit?
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